Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.