PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?