How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
More like Kate Missington.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.