Skills
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.