I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.