Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.