boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
same energy
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.