Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My dad is at it again
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Mornin
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail