I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?