“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best