“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Tell the colonel to bring it
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.