Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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Seems kinda suspicious
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Breaking news:
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.