A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
You had me at “define legal”.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS