Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Oops I deleted….
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
That’s fair
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*