I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
This is enough internet for the day.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.