It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.