If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that