Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime