Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I’m sure it’s fine.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
This is my bus stop.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.