I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.