Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My favorite female superhero
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]