He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
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people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”