Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO