Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Wait a minute…
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.