Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
greetings!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May