Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
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Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*