[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
In Canada they just call them geese
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real