What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza