Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?