“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
You Might Also Like
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Just ordered me some pizza!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card