[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
You Might Also Like
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor