if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky