Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
O Wise One….
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES