RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw