me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles