Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.