Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat