Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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#Caturday
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.