Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
U talkin 2 me?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use