Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Twitter fine art
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.