Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
We found love in a hopeless place.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
our love story in four pictures
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion