Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Hank is one in a melon.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
🤣could you imagine
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?