*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
October already? What’s next? November????
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.