Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
why am I working on Labor Day
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.