Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.