I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.