I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.