I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.