Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
We need more people like this.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
When you let grandma cat sit
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]