[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
You Might Also Like
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.